Lies & Greed: Republican Politics Minnesota Style

Salon.com: You write with great love about your native state and its traditions of Scandinavian decency. But Minnesota also elected Norm Coleman-- what went wrong?

Garrison Keillor: Norm Coleman is a man without a single principled bone in his body. He was a liberal Democrat who saw greater career opportunities on the other side and one night he sewed himself a new set of beliefs and crossed over. He is the first truly cynical politician in Minnesota in my lifetime. What went wrong? Sen. Paul Wellstone's plane crashed in the woods.

Another Bush, another war, another attempt by Minnesota Republicans to distance themselves from the President. In 1992, when I moved to the Land of 10,000 SUVs, the Minnesota Republican Party was referring to itself as the Independent Republican Party in a shameless attempt to distance itself from George Douche the first. Now, they are doing the same thing, only without the name change.

Senate candidate Mark Kennedy has been appearing in TV commercials boasting of his willingness to differ with the President. But as Congressional Quarterly notes, Kennedy sided with the President 97 percent of the time for three years running. Last year, however, Kennedy’s record dipped to just 87 percent. Could it be that Kennedy recognizes the peril in appearing too close to the White House? As Wy Spano, director of the Masters in Advocacy and Political Leadership program at the University of Minnesota, Duluth, points out, “Right now, pretty much all Republicans who are closely associated with the president are just not going to do well.” That could be why Kennedy doesn’t even mention his party affiliation in the ads. That, and the fact that he has been trailing his opponent, Hennepin County Attorney Amy Klobuchar, by at least six percentage points since January, when pollsters began watching the race. Most polls even show Kennedy trailing anti-war activist Ford Bell, who has dropped out.

Meanwhile, Senator Norm Coleman – Al Franken’s probable opponent in 2008 – was busted editing his Wikipedia entry, as was three-term Minnesota Republican Congressman Gil Gutknecht. Coleman, it seems, was trying to eliminate references to his hippy past, as well as his 98 percent record of siding with the White House in his senate voting. Coleman, you may recall, is the guy who won the St. Paul mayoral race as a Democrat with Minnesota Attorney General Hubert “Skip” Humphrey’s endorsement and then quickly changed his party affiliation. Gutknecht’s Wikipedia editing attempt focused on his self-imposed three-term limit – a limit he is now abandoning.

But wait! There’s more!

Anti gay activist and sixth congressional district candidate Michele Bachmann orchestrated an impressive sleight-of-hand trick when her campaign turned $40,000 into half a million dollars at President Bush’s recent campaign stop. You see, by spending less than an hour of the campaign stop speaking about health care, (PRESTO!) G.W. Douche was able to characterize his visit as a “policy event.” That means the taxpayers picked up the tab for a campaign rally. To be fair, it should be noted that the Bachmann campaign ponied up the forty grand, which is enough to pay for about 45 minutes of Air Force One’s $57,000-per-hour operating cost. But what’s $57,000 when we’re pissing away 4,807 times that much every day in Iraq.

Let’s see. Did I forget anything? Lies, greed, lies, greed and lies. Nope. That about sums it up. Laters.

Bully Plays the Victim

Awww, look at the darling pixies sending messages of love to their Lebanese neighbors. Brings a tear to your eye, dunnit? Good to know our tax dollars are so hard at work. I know it's hard to believe, but there actually is another side to the story - one in which Izzy is the bad guy and not the innocent victim so often portrayed in the main$tream media. Click here to see where these made-in-the-USA love notes ended up. I'm not saying Hezbollah is a shining example of human dignity and honor, but they are not the sub-human ogres seen on Fock Snooze and in Israeli fairy tales. How many incidents like this would you tolerate before you started contemplating launching a few rockets? Almost seems as if Israel wanted conflict with Lebanon. Indeed, Israel - or at least Likud - has been planning this thing for quite some time. Well, at least our illustrious Secretary of State is hard at work on the problem...NOT.

George Galloway Savages SKY NEWS!

Unlike Sean Vanity & Bill O'Liely, at least Rupert Murdoch's UK version allows the dissenters to get a word in. They won't be having Galloway back anytime soon, though.

It’s the Jerry Springer Show and today’s guests are the leader of Hezbollah, Israeli PM Ehud Olmert, British PM Tony Blair and Bush.

First the Hezbollah leader comes out on stage and states his case in broad terms. He begins by saying, “I’m all, ‘you best stop fuckin wit us or we gonna rocket your ass.’ And he’s all like callin me a bitch and a towel head and a camel jockey and shit. And I’m all, ‘best stop wit dat. Ima warning ya.’”

Then Olmert comes out and states his case, saying, “Y’all started it when you kidnapped two of our soldiers, beeyotch.”

To which the Hezbollah guy responds with, “Nuh-uh. Y’all started it when you kidnapped two of our doctors, mothafucka.”

Then Olmert gets up and slaps the Hezbollah guy, who responds by tackling Olmert to the floor and the two of them wrestle desperately until the bald security guard comes out and separates them.

Springer restores order and gets them both to calm down. He then suggests that their problems are the result of machinations perpetrated by a third party, namely, Britain. “Wasn’t it Britain,” Springer asks, “who started this whole mess by abandoning the Arabs after WW1?” And the Hezbollah guy’s brow furrows. “And wasn’t it Britain,” Springer continues, “who forced the Palestinians to give up half of their territory so that the nation of Israel could be created?” The Hezbollah guy tugs his beard. Then, turning to Olmert, Springer asks, “And wasn’t it Britain who abandoned the newly created nation of Israel?” Olmert’s brow furrows. “And wasn’t it Britain,” Springer continues, “who signed lucrative oil contracts with Israel’s enemies, allowing them to purchase dangerous weapons?” Olmert grinds his teeth.

Hezbollah guy says, “Hey, he’s right.”

Olmert’s eyes light up. “Yeah. I never could stand that Tony Blair mothafucka.”

Then Hezbollah guy says, “Yeah, where that bitch at?”

Then the camera cuts backstage where a smug Tony Blair is waiting.

Olmert says, “That Blair mothafucka betta be glad he ain’t up in here, cuz if he was, I’d be kicking his ass.”

And then Hezbollah guy says, “Yeah, Ima shove a Cooper Mini up his narrow limey ass.” Olmert laughs and gives Hezbollah guy five. They both fold their arms defiantly, confident that they have identified the culprit behind their difficulties.

Then Springer says, “Well, fellas, you’re in luck. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome British Prime Minister Tony Blair!”

The crowd goes “Oooooohhhh!”

Blair immediately rushes up to Olmert and says, “I heard what you said.”

“So?” replies Olmert.

“So?!” mocks Blair. “So?! So why ain’t you kickin my ass, beeyotch? Now’s your chance, mothafucka. Why I don’t see no ass kickin?”

Hezbollah guy chuckles, attracting Blair’s attention. “And you. You gonna shove a Mini up my ass? That’s a good one, Towel Head.”

“Fuck you, honkey,” replies Hezbollah guy, shoving Blair. Olmert takes advantage of Blair’s momentary stumble to sucker punch Blair.

Blair says, “Oh yeah, bitch,” and punches Olmert in the nuts. Hezbollah guy tackles Blair to the floor, knocking over Olmert in the process and the three of them wrestle desperately until the bald security guard comes out and breaks it up.

Eventually, the three of them calm down and Springer again suggests that all of their problems have been caused by yet another party, namely, America.

“Wasn’t it America who toppled the democratically elected government of Iran in 1953, leading to an unfair trade pact with that country?”

“Hey yeah,” says Blair, wiping a trickle of blood from his lip.

“And wasn’t it America,” continues Springer, “who encouraged Hussein to attack Iran, thereby destabilizing the entire region and turning Arabs against Arabs?”

“Yeah, you right,” says Hezbollah guy, adjusting his turban.

“And wasn’t it America,” continues Springer, turning his attention to Olmert, “who helped weaken Labor and increase the suspicion of Likkud by highlighting nonexistent threats?”

“Uh-huh,” says Olmert, rubbing his nuts. “I never really liked that dopey cowboy act anyways.”

“Why that bitch can’t talk right?” demands Hezbollah guy. The crowd laughs.

Smiling broadly, Blair mimics Bush. “Ima help you put food on you family!” he says, laughing. “Don’t mis-underestimate me!” he says, laughing harder. Olmert and Hezbollah guy start to laugh.

“Is our children learning!” exclaims Olmert laughing.

“Will the highways of the Internet become more few!” adds Hezbollah guy gleefully. The crowd is roaring.

The camera cuts backstage where an angry George Bush is waiting. Finally, he can take no more; he rushes onstage to confront his mockers.

“Ladies and Gentlemen: The President of the United States!” announces Springer. The crowd hoots. First, Bush confronts Blair.

“I thought we was homies,” says Bush, “but now I see you ain’t nothin but a ho!”

The crowd goes “Oooooohhh.”

“Whip this ho, beeyotch,” challenges Blair.

“Yeah. Bring. It. On,” says Hezbollah guy. The crowd roars again.

“Where the WMDs at, fag?” says Olmert.

Blair shoves Bush, who falls easily to the floor. Blair, Olmert and Hezbollah guy start punching and kicking Bush Goodfellas style. The bald security guard comes out, but instead of breaking up the fight, he joins in stomping Bush’s face. Springer leads the crowd in a chant: “KILL! KILL! KILL!”

After a commercial break, Springer gives his moral of the story. “Lying and betraying your countrymen and your allies might get you to the top, but, as they say in Haiti, the higher the monkey climbs, the more you see his ass, and this monkey’s ass just got kicked!”

The crowd applauds and resumes its chant of “KILL! KILL! KILL!” Bush is already dead, but Blair, Olmert, Hezbollah guy and the bald security guard keep stomping him anyway.

The end.