Got Faith?

"The point is that faith, even moderate faith, is pernicious because it teaches that believing something without evidence is a virtue."
Richard Dawkins

Of course, Dawkins is referring to religious faith, but there are all kinds of faith that are at least as destructive – faith that the Iraq War is about anything but oil; faith that America stands for liberty and justice; faith that our elected representatives actually care what we think – and this rampant faith has infested our public discourse so badly that it is impossible to calmly discuss the best course of action for our society.

In Hennepin County, where I live, for example, many people have faith that the newly ratified $500 million Minnesota Twins stadium will generate enough revenue to justify the cost. This is in direct conflict with well-publicized facts. Just across the river in St. Paul, the Chamber of Commerce estimates that fans of the Minnesota Wild NHL franchise generate about $23 million of revenue per season. So at $23 million per season, it would take about 28 seasons to recuperate the $500 million cost of a new stadium. That’s if there are no strikes or steroid controversies or any other interferences with the sports fans’ mindless adulation.

Meanwhile, health clinics that serve the uninsured – around 50,000 strong in supposedly liberal Minnesota – are closing left and right because the legislature rejected an initiative that would have provided them with $1.5 million in grants. We know that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, thanks to that notorious liberal, Benjamin Franklin, but far be it from us to put those wise words to use.

Faith – 1
Evidence – 0

This is nothing new, of course, in Minnesota or America. Dumbfucks infatuated with the glory of the ballpark – or the battlefield (or the Elysian Fields) – always prevail over common sense.

In addition to the healthcare crisis alluded to above, Minneapolis’ schools and libraries are also in financial trouble despite the obvious and well documented correlation between education and financial stability.

Faith – 2
Evidence – 0

And the local Ford plant, which has been a source of jobs and revenue since 1924, is also in danger due to soaring gasoline costs and plummeting common sense among Ford’s leadership, which insists upon churning out Rangers and Explorers instead of more fuel efficient vehicles.

But don’t worry. Real estate developers will come to the rescue. You see, they have faith that despite increasing unemployment and diminishing wages, the housing boom will continue unhindered and it will profit all of us to convert the abandoned Ford plant into condominiums.

Faith – 3
Evidence – 0

Next year, Twin Cities residents can look forward to another stadium proposal. This one will benefit the Minnesota Vikings, who just can’t seem to make ends meet in the 60,000 seat Metrodome. A new publicly financed football stadium is just the ticket.

In Major League Losers: The Real Cost of Sports and Who’s Paying for It, Mark S. Rosentraub, of the Center for Urban Policy and the Environment at Indiana University, analyzes the finances surrounding publicly financed sports palaces. What he has found in city after city is that public financing of professional sports stadiums provides a dismal return on investment, and that team owners and their minions in government use falsified financial projections to promote the schemes. In the introduction to the book, Rosentraub writes, “A welfare system exists in this county that transfers hundreds of millions of dollars from taxpayers to wealthy investors and their extraordinarily well paid employees.” Rosentraub also suggests that professional sports leagues use team loyalty against fans who fear of losing the team to another, more deserving city.

Faith – 4
Evidence – 0

But of course, Barry Bonds didn’t check 714 books out of the library; he hit 714 home runs, which allows us to vicariously enjoy his display of testosterone (and other hormones). For those of you who are keeping score, you can see that this is going to be a trouncing. We have faith that the telcom companies don’t want to fuck up the internet for narrow self interest; we have faith that the TeeVee never lies; we have faith that The Big Game isn’t rigged. It’s a collective faith because we share a collective fear of reality.

UPDATE: Make that 715 home runs. Bonds broke Babe Ruth's mark on Sunday, putting him in second place on the all-time home run list, right behind Hank Aaron, but first among prima donna steroid junkies.

UPDATE II: Compare and contrast the new Twins stadium deal with other such corporate bailouts around the nation. Neil deMaus provides the lowdown in the City Pages - the only local publication to critically examine the scheme. Like Major League Losers, mentioned above, deMause's book, Field of Schemes, thououghly debunks the local-profits-through-billionaire-bailout myth. His web site is here.

Caspian Sea Pimps

The Bush Era has been good for Big Oil, and vice versa. Record oil profits are the reward for the massive cash infusions Big Oil pumped into Republican coffers - $27 million in 2000 alone – and Congress’ limp-wristed response to voters’ complaints is customary.

In case you haven’t figured this out yet, the ultimate goal of our mid-east misadventure is the vast, untapped ocean of oil that allegedly lays like a waiting virgin beneath the Caspian Sea. Mini-Mussolinis like this guy and this guy and this guy can’t wait to pimp their constituents and natural resources to these overpaid johns. All that stands in their way is access to international shipping lanes.

The first attempt to bring Caspian Sea oil to market began in the early ‘90s. Unocal led a multinational consortium of public-private entities called CentGas, which was determined to build a pipeline from Turkmenistan through Afghanistan to the Pakistani port city of Gwadar.

Desire for stability among Afghanistan’s bickering factions triggered CentGas’ support of the Taliban. When, in 1998, the Taliban balked at the proposed financial arrangements, CentGas pulled out of the deal. In repeated public statements, Unocal blamed the Taliban’s poor treatment of women for the deal’s failure, but the real reason it collapsed is that the Taliban wanted more money for the many services they would be providing, including protecting the pipeline from northern warlords. In 2000, President Bush tried unsuccessfully to resuscitate the deal. Shortly thereafter, oil industry support shifted to the so-called “Northern Alliance.”

At the same time, Big Oil turned its greedy eyes to Iraq, which had been weakened by years of sanctions and constant harassment from American and British warplanes. The US and British invasion and subsequent manipulation of ethnic rivalry has produced a power vacuum soon to be filled by a feudal corporate dictatorship disguised as democracy. A succession of pseudo-democratic puppet governments will be the public face of a Halliburton-led borg collective whose goal is the complete assimilation of the Mid-east, or at least the oil-rich portions thereof.

Next stop, Iran.

Plans for the inevitable invasion of Iran have been accelerated due to Big Oil’s fear of losing its grip on Congress in the November mid-term elections. Military preparations for an Iran attack are already in place; all that remains to be done is the production of an adequate bullshit story to justify the action. Be prepared for another massive terrorist attack designed to galvanize public support for military action against Iran. The WMD meme probably won’t work twice – even on America’s bovine press.

Of course, there’s nothing new in any of this. America has a long, long history of incidents in which powerful corporate interests duped the public into supporting nefarious foreign policy. Click here to learn how Panama was created by Wall Street, and here to learn how Big Oil toppled the democratically elected government if Iran once before.

President Eisenhower recognized the threat posed by Big Oil many years ago, but he underestimated their power, writing in a letter to his brother, “Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are H. L. Hunt (you possibly know his background), a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.”

Unfortunately, as Ike was writing this, his friends the Dulles Brothers were doing Big Oil’s bidding in Iran and Big Fruit's in Guatemala. But if Ike was right, we won’t be hearing much from the Big Oil Republicans after 2008.

If the last three elections are any indication, however, Diebold, ES&S, GE and Fox have more to do with choosing our leadership than do the voters. But that’s a discussion for another post.

I'm Back. You Can Relax, Now.

Well, I guess it’s time for Big Daddy to crawl out of his cave. Encouraging words from Blue Gal and others have roused me from my hibernation. See, the thing is, my interest in Current Events alternates between morbid fascination and utter disgust, and when I’m in the utter disgust phase, my brain goes into this sub-human mind-lock thing during which I can only utter random syllables – to say nothing of actually typing them onto a computer. It’s kind of like being a guest on the O’Reilly Factor 24/7. The bullshit spews out so fast that my brain can’t process it and the mind-numbing rage takes hold. Not only that, but I’ve got a lazy streak in me a mile wide. Not only that, but I’m the world’s biggest procrastinator. Not only that, but so many other bloggers are doing a pretty good job of covering the bases without me – bloggers like this guy, and this guy, and these guys…

But the stupidity grows exponentially and the intelligence only grows gradually. What good are bloggers, after all, when the Shiny Happy People in my fair town cannot seem to grasp the concept of NOT DRIVING ON THE LIGHT RAIL TRACKS? They could’ve put the thing underground, but the Shiny Happy People didn’t want to cough up the dough. You see, the Shiny Happy People don’t want mass transit; they want more roads – that is, more venues in which to ostentatiously display their wealth. So they put the thing at street level where the Shiny Happy People are free to drive their SUVs on the tracks while talking about themselves on their cell phones. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

It’s.

Happening.

Again.

Must. Not. Think. About. Useless. Self-absorbed. Yuppy. Dildoes.

War is a Racket

Many blogospherians seem to be shocked, shocked I tell you, to learn that Bush Inc. falsified intelligence in order to instigate a war that would profit its corporate partners, but anyone familiar with history has more of a sense of déjà vu. Indeed, it has been the American modus operandi for over a century. Every war since the Civil War has been preceded by a “surprise” enemy attack and inflated threat estimates.

The explosion of the Maine sparked the Spanish-American War; the sinking of the Lusitania sparked U.S. involvement in WWI; the Japanese “sneak” attack of Pearl Harbor sparked WWII; the Gulf of Tonkin Incident led to increased troop deployments in Viet Nam; Saddam Hussein’s “surprise” invasion of Kuwait sparked the Gulf War; and the Sept. 11 attacks have sparked the current global war on terrorism.

In each of these episodes, there is ample evidence of foreknowledge and intelligence manipulation.

In General Smedley Darlington Butler’s 1935 screed, War is a Racket, Butler writes, “The normal profits of a business concern in the United States are six, eight, ten, and sometimes even twelve percent. But wartime profits – ah, that is another matter – twenty, sixty, one hundred, three hundred, and even eighteen hundred percent. The sky is the limit. All that the traffic will bear. Uncle Sam has the money. Let’s get it.” Seventy years later, that sentiment is truer than ever.

War profiteering is probably as old as war itself. As one of the famous Rothschilds put it, “when the streets of Paris are running with blood, I buy.” In the most obscene incarnation of the Trickle Up Theory, today’s “sutlers,” as they were once known, wage a three-pronged attack on their own countrymen by compromising on quality, gouging on price and hiding the profits in offshore tax shelters. Luckily for them, the press has been mostly AWOL from its duty in reporting on the handful of opportunists who have been “Saddaming” the treasury in the name of Democracy – especially when it comes to the $8 billion (that’s right, BILLION) that has disappeared from Iraq.

Seven years ago, America had a budget surplus, the lowest unemployment rate since WW2, the highest home ownership rate ever and we were at peace. Now that the “moral values” party is busy “restoring dignity to the White House,” however, we are $400 billion (that’s right, BILLION) in debt, mired in an interminable war on a noun, and at odds with our allies in NATO and the UN over our scandal-per-week foreign policy. See what happens when you give the keys of the empire to a bunch of coke-addled draft dodgers?

The alarming spike in military suicides is a telltale symptom of the corruption that defines the US military establishment. Col Ted Westhusing’s June suicide near the Baghdad airport is perhaps the most distressing (and questionable) one of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Westhusing’s suicide does not fit the standard military suicide profile; he was educated, fairly well to do and in a position of authority. But in a military campaign so obviously driven by lies and greed, Wall Street represents the ultimate authority, and for Westhusing, a West Point professor and expert in military ethics, this authority was undeserved.

“He was sick of money-grubbing contractors,” commented an Army Corps of Engineers official. Indeed, Westhusing’s suicide note stated, “I cannot support a mission that leads to corruption, human rights abuse and liars. I came to serve honorably and feel dishonored.”

An Army psychologist’s report on Westhusing’s suicide reveals the level to which the Pentagon has become Wall Street’s bitch.

“Despite his intelligence, his ability to grasp the idea that profit is an important goal for people working in the private sector was surprisingly limited,” wrote Lt. Col. Lisa Breitenbach. “He could not shift his mind-set from the military notion of completing a mission irrespective of cost, nor could he change his belief that doing the right thing because it was the right thing to do should be the sole motivator for businesses.”

Thank you, Lt. Col. Lisa Breitenbach, for confirming what I have been saying all along: We are not in Iraq to spread democracy or topple a bad guy; we are there for the oil. Period. If justice were the Pentagon’s motivation, we’d be in Sudan. Know why we’re not in Sudan? Cuz they don’t have oil, bee-yotch.

All of which brings painfully to mind a question that stuck in Butler’s craw 70 years ago and sticks in mine today: “Why don’t those damned oil companies fly their own flags on their personal property – maybe a flag with a gas pump on it?”

UPDATE [6/6/07]: E&P has more here, and documents confirming Westhusing's assessment and that others shared his concerns can be viewed here.

Gore Finds His Nuts

Too bad he didn't speak like this while he was campaigning for president. Maybe the cajones outbreak is contagious and will spread to other hitherto gutless Democrats.

Part Three of Maureen Farrell's excellent three-part series, "Modern History You Can't Afford to Ignore" is here. This is a must-read for anyone who wants to know what the supposedly liberal media is ignoring.

Who the hell comprises the 41 percent? The Bush administration is defined by lies and/or incompetence: false pre-war intelligence, Abu Ghraib, the CIA leak, NSA wiretaps, Jack Abramoff, fake news reports, election fraud, not to mention Bush's notorious inability to form a coherent sentence. Who, then, is still in favor of this bozo? Only blind brand loyalty can explain the fact that four in 10 Americans still support this obvious crook. Do us all a favor, hicks, go back to watching rednecks driving in circles and leave politics to us.

Several obnoxious e-mails, like the childish "Bad American" rant and the "Hurricane Rules" horseshit have been attributed to George Carlin, Andy Rooney, Robin Williams and others. This is patently false. These e-mails were written by pea-brained, sub-human ignoramuses (you can tell by the glaring misspellings) who have nothing better to do between NASCAR events and monster truck rallies other than to compose what they consider incisive screeds, attach famous people's names to them and spam them all over the universe. Next time you get one of these e-mails, visit this site to determine its authenticity. Or do what I do and simply delete it before you read it.

Speaking of George Carlin, he's had some health problems lately, but he seems to be doing okay now. Hang in there, George. We already lost one comedic genius this winter; we're not ready for another blow.

Unclear on the Concept

Like True Democrats, True Christians spend most of their time struggling with the morons within their own ranks. Here is a good example, courtesy of Blue Gal. Doesn't the Bible say something about bearing false witness? I think it does. I think it also warns against false prophets who seek to "deceive the very elect." Or something like that.

The first syllable of 'Christian' is 'Christ.' Christ is Jesus, right? So, if one wants to be a Christian, all one needs to do is follow Jesus' advice, yes? Let's see...What did Jesus say about fags? Nothing. Well, what did he say about abortion? Zip. Well, what about premarital sex? Nada. Well, what the hell DID he say? He said this:

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

And this:

“He who rules his spirit has won a greater victory than the taking of a city.”

And this:

“Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone.”

And this:

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men."

And this:

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons (and daughters) of God."

And this:

"For I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink; I was a stranger and you welcomed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me..."

And this:

"Love one another."

How can so many so-called Christians embrace an ideology that is obviously diametrically opposed to the wishes of their religion's namesake? Oh, the irony!

Disco Joe & the Moderates

Moderates, centrists, swing voters – whatever you call them, they piss me off. More, even than neocons. I mean, neocons are just greedy; they’re like crooked carnival barkers looking for suckers. You know they’re scamming everyone, so don’t be a sucker.

But the moderates!

Moderates are neocon enablers; they see the suckers getting soaked and, though they are in a position to stop it, do nothing. At best, they simply don’t want to jeopardize their comfortable lives; at worst, they are actually profiting from the scam. If you corner one of them, you can get them to admit that, yes, the scamming is bad and something should be done about it, but, well…

No one was against the Iraq War before it started. Not John Kerry, Not Hillary Rodham Clinton, not Joe Biden, not John Edwards; and after it started, while things were going okay, even the few token dissenters seemed to quiet down a little. Now that things aren’t going so well, and the ‘centrists’ are starting to feel stupid for authorizing the crime that is Operation Iraqi Freedom, they are changing their positions.

“And had I known then what I know now, I never would have cast that vote, not in 1,000 years.”
—Senator Diane Feinstein

“I was wrong.”
—Senator John Edwards

Here is a good rundown of John Kerry’s highly nuanced position. Here’s Biden’s.

Makes you want to yell, “Come on! Spit it out! Yes or no? For or against? Get the fucking marbles out of your mouth. Sheesh.”

But, you see, had we kicked the snot out of Iraq, the ‘centrists’ would still be all for it. They’re only against it now because it’s taking too long and costing too much. It’s not a position based on principles, it’s based on political expediency and comfort. Many of the people who oppose the current conflagration retain favorable views of the first Gulf War. Why? Cuz we kicked the snot out those bastards. It only took a few weeks. We were badass and popular. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. It’s all about being liked.

Look how they pounced on Dick Durbin for suggesting our treatment of Guantanamo prisoners was un-American. They gave him a much harder time than they gave to Zel Miller for endorsing Bush at the Republican National Convention. Howard Dean, Dennis Kucinich, the late Paul Wellstone and a teensy weensy list of other True Democrats have spent more time defending themselves against attacks from within their own party than they have struggling with Repugnicans, and this has been a valuable gift to the Rumsfeld cabal.

Of course everyone likes Wellstone now that he’s safe and dead. It’s the same way Madison Avenue now embraces Jimi Hendrix. No longer fearful that he might do something challenging or provocative, they trot out his image whenever they’ve got a hot new product to sell.

One thing that really pisses me off about “moderates” is their constant refrain that Michael Moore and Al Franken are just like Bill O’ Reilly, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. Here’s the news, dipshits: Michael Moore and Al Franken ARE NOTHING LIKE O’Reilly, Coulter and Limbaugh BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIE. I’ll admit Moore’s idyllic portrayal of pre-war Iraq in the early moments of “Fahrenheit 9-11” was a little misleading, but that’s nothing compared to this. And this. And this. And this, this, this and this.

Here is a list of lefty publications and web sites:

http://www.thenation.com/
http://www.progressive.org/
http://www.motherjones.com/
http://harpers.org/
http://www.inthesetimes.com/site
http://www.theatlantic.com/
http://www.michaelmoore.com/
http://www.ericalterman.com/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
http://www.counterpunch.org/
http://www.rawstory.com/

I challenge any reader to find something anywhere in any of them that comes close to the endless torrent of dangerous bullshit spewing out of Fox News, Regnery and the other components of the massive right wing disinfotainment machinery.

Remember when disco was huge? It wasn’t just a form of music, it was a media sensation. Everything had to be disco. Disco movies, disco jeans, disco hair and, of course, Disco Duck. It was such a colossal craze that it affected everything. Even the Rolling Stones, the very synonyms of rock-n-roll, started recording disco songs. Well, it’s kind of the same way now. Rupert Murdoch and other greedy dildoes have created a media juggernaut consisting of maudlin, self-serving, jingoistic, feel-good rhetoric that portrays the aggressor as the victim, presented with glitzy, high-tech repetition. And like reeds in a stream, “moderates” can’t help bending with the current. Just as it was pathetic in 1979 to watch some chubby 40-year-old stuff a sock down his too-tight polyester disco slacks and do “the Hustle,” it is now pathetic to see Hillary Rodham Clinton trying to censor video games and ban flag burning. Or Joe Lieberman trying to be Bush's Secretary of Defense.

Come on, you guys. This pseudo-Christian flag waving is just a fad. Like disco, it will go away as soon as everyone realizes how bad it looks, sounds, smells, tastes and feels. Of course, there will be a few holdouts – there always are – but most rational people will look back on the ‘Shrub’ era with embarrassment.

Please, Hillary, Joe, Joe, Bill, John, John and Diane, listen to Howard and Dennis. Don’t try to squeeze into those disco slacks. Stick with rock-n-roll. It’ll be back soon, and you won’t look so dumb to your constituents when it returns.

It's a Wonderful Lie

On Christmas Eve, NBC aired that timeless classic, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” starring Jimmy Stewart. As I watched it for the gazillionth time, I was struck by the irony of the event – especially during the Ameriquest Mortgage commercials.

Stewart, Donna Reed and Lionel Barrymore get top billing, but the real star of the show is Liberalism. Liberal – and at one time American – values such as humility, self-sacrifice, heroism, kindness, cooperation and delay of gratification are at the core of this movie about a struggling building and loan company in post-war New York State. George Bailey, who operates the building and loan, believes the community should pool its resources in order to improve everyone’s standard of living. But his arch-nemesis, Mr. Potter, believes only in greed and wants to control the town’s resources to the detriment of everyone but himself.

Along the way, we see how Bailey’s kindness and vision avert widespread misfortune. His moral support prevents his childhood friend Violet from becoming a hooker; his good judgment prevents the local druggist from becoming a washed up drunk; and ultimately, we see how his imagination and compassion prevent the town from becoming mean, hedonistic and impersonal.

In the end – and this is the part that always brings a tear to my eye – we see how the qualities that Bailey takes for granted are actually cherished by his friends and neighbors. The years of hard work and sacrifice have paid off at last, and the reward is much, much grater than personal wealth and luxury. Bailey has almost single-handedly created a town that everyone would like to live in; a town free from pretentious moralism where friendships are genuine and the work is fulfilling.

By the movie’s end we are convinced that if every town and neighborhood in America had just one George Bailey we would be freer, safer and more prosperous than we can perhaps imagine. More importantly, we are led irresistibly to the notion that there is a George Bailey in each of us; that each of us can shed our petty recriminations and short-term desires and work together toward a shared goal.

The irony, of course, is that this cinematic vision of American Liberalism was broadcast on NBC, one of the coven of Mr. Potters currently in control of the airwaves. General Electric, the world’s largest company, owns Eighty percent of NBC. Vivendi, the behemoth privatized water conglomerate, owns the other 20 percent. It was former GE CEO Jack Welch who pressured newsroom analysts to call the election in favor of Bush in 2000. This move paid off well; the subsequent War on Terror has been a $2.8 billion-a-year cash cow for GE, which supplies aircraft engines and other military hardware to Boeing, Raytheon, Lockheed Martin and other defense contractors.

GE uses its sprawling media web, which includes NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, Universal Pictures, over 60 book publishing firms and more to promote favorable coverage of the Bush administration and to discourage unfavorable coverage of same. Here is an example of NBC marionette Matt Lauer glad-handing right wing ideologue Ann Coulter on NBC’s Today Show. Now here’s an example of Lauer playing hardball with Michael Moore. See the difference? No wonder 70 percent of Americans believe Saddam Hussein orchestrated the Sept. 11th attacks.

The unfortunate reality is that Potter’s vision of America has prevailed. Shortsighted, prehensile fascists like Jack Welch outnumber the George Baileys of the world, and this fact is made more painful by the cruel joke of NBC’s Christmas Eve broadcast of “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Generally speaking, I am opposed to New Year’s resolutions, but here are two that I strongly recommend:

1. Resolve to turn off the fucking television.
2. Resolve to find the George Bailey within you and do something – anything – to promote the true American values of compassion and understanding exemplified by “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Happy New Year.

Tired of Being Lied To?

Yes. Yes I am. Part deux of Maureen Farrell's 3-part series is here, and she sets the record straight.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yay! Christmastime is here!

I didn’t hear my first Christmas carol until the day after Thanksgiving. It was Dr. John’s version of “Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.” It was followed by all the classics by Bing, Frank, Dino, Ray Charles, John Denver and of course those lovable Chipmunks. Needless to say, I was SHOPPING.

Yes, shopping. That is how we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior in America. We shop. And shop and shop and shop. And fight and shop and fight. And shop.

And fight.

Four days ago, on my way home from work, I saw a man beating his son (presumably it was his son) while attempting to hang a string of Christmas lights on the front awning of his house. The string of Christmas lights was hopelessly tangled as they always are this time of year, and the boy, who looked to be about seven or eight years old, had carelessly walked directly into the massive snarl. The dad instantly dropped the focus of his labors and grabbed the kid’s sweatshirt with his left hand and walloped him repeatedly with his right. Jesus would have been proud.

Or he IS proud. That’s what I meant to say. I keep forgetting that he’s not some guy who got killed by the Romans 2,000 years ago, but a living, infinite being with whom I can forge a meaningful bond.

Anyway, to honor this Son of God who Died for Our Sins, we must shop. And decorate our dwellings with garish symbols of pre-Christian paganism. And shop.

And fight.

I have not yet heard of any occurrences of the annual separation-of-church-and-state fracases that seem to accompany this glorious season, but no doubt they are right around the corner. Some hyper-Christian civil servant will erect a manger scene in a government center somewhere and the Secularists will raise their angry voices in protest. The ACLU will be called upon, once again, to set the situation to rights and the Christian symbols will be replaced by pagan ones. But as Molly Ivins once famously observed, erecting a Nativity scene is probably the only way to get three wise men in a government building.

From all this, you might be inclined to believe that Big Daddy Malcontent hates Christmas, but nothing can be further from the truth. As mentioned above, Christmastime has pagan origins. The ancient Germans would mark the shortest day of the year by gathering with family and friends to eat, drink and be merry in an effort to fortify themselves against the coming winter doldrums. And, if times were good, they would exchange a gift or two in honor of the friendships without which life would be dreary. Decades of conflict with the Romans hipped Caesar to the tradition, proving that good can come from bad. As the Roman Empire morphed into the Holy Roman Empire, these German traditions became the accepted method for celebrating the birth of Jesus.

So, whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or some nebulous incarnation of the seasonal merriment, the central theme remains the same: Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men. Lack of it is at the heart of Big Daddy’s malcontentedness, so naturally he is Down with Christmas. Peace.